the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
