but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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