he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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