put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.�
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Randomize
