We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
