Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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