apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
