Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
