My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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