I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
So vagazzling was a success
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
