did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
