I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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