the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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