she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
