I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
