Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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