My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
