It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
