we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
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