Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
