You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Ambien. No doubt about it.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
