There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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