I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i want to swaddle you in tequila
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
