guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
