I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
