Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
