haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
