I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I queefed so loud it echoed.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
