umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
