I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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