so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
