omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
