you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
