she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
