I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
