I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
What happened to fro yo and sex?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
