I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
