you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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