he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
