I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
