Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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