I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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