All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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