Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
