This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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