I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
