So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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