Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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