my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
