matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
