Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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