So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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